My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
