my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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