He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
