i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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