If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
