Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
