the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
