she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
