I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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