and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
