a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
