he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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