Sponge bath it is.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
