Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
