She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
