All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
