Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
