im drinking this country out of the recession.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
