I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
