The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
