I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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