GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Randomize
