He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
