Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
