Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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