Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
