i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
