I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
