She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
