Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
