I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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