6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
