I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
