cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
