if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's rum buckets o'clock
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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