there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
