If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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