Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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