you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
