I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My vagina just recognized that song.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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