Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
