so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
