So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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