My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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