Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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