i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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