You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
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Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
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She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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