the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
