Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
