Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
