I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
