Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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