Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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